Obligatory Christmas Music Vol. 1

by Dr. Tweenus Gonzo

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Three years ago, I recorded a few songs for a joke ep to give a friend for Christmas. Two years ago, I did the same thing for another friend. Last year, I attempted to do the same thing, but then stopped at the "giving it to a friend" part. This year, I took the 5 songs that weren't referencing the recipient of the original ep's, and recorded 2 more songs 2 days ago to make them even less of a cohesive, consistent unit of songs. So here, have 7 mostly short songs that are mostly about porno and sodomy. There's murder too! Because I can't bring myself to record straight Christmas music, and I'm too childish to do anything but extremely tasteless bullshit. I'm sorry?

I present to you Obligatory Christmas Music Vol. 1. 7 songs under 11 minutes that my label made me record. There will be no Vol. 2.


released December 10, 2013



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Track Name: Santa and Mary
What's wrong with people making Christmas-themed porno?
Why haven't I seen one where Joseph watches Santa take Mary from behind?
Track Name: Santa's Magic Fingers
Every year Santa would sneak into my room to stick his fingers into my mouth. Then he would whisper softly into my ear, "I want to kill you."

Is this normal? It was my favorite part of Christmas.

This was the only thing I ever got for Christmas. Why, oh why, do you think he stopped?

Is this normal? It was my favorite part of Christmas.
Track Name: This Song is Terrible
I woke up early on Christmas morning.
I ran downstairs to open up my presents.
But mommy was on her knees giving Santa a blowjob.
Daddy was choking himself and jacking off.
Track Name: The Nameless Snowball
The nameless snowball didn't have time to consider its existence before it died.

What Christmas magic brought it to life in the middle of a goddamn snowball fight?

If it had a mouth it would have cursed the kid that threw it at his fatass friend.

What Christmas magic brought it to life in the middle of a goddamn snowball fight?
Track Name: The Only Day of Christmas
On the only day of Christmas, my true love gave to me herself cut up and wrapped under the tree. The day after Christmas the police came to me, slapped on some cuffs and began questioning.

I told 'em I didn't do it.
She didn't it to herself.
"Liar," they said as they locked my cell.

So now my trial's about to start.
Nobody believes me.
If they'd only let me put her back together she could explain everything.
Track Name: Baby, It's Cold Outside!
I made the mistake of farting in the shower this morning.
Track Name: But Seriously
But seriously, there needs to be a porno where Mary get's gang-banged by 300 midgets dressed as elves while Santa and Joseph double-team an angel in the corner of a barn.

And then in the end, Mary starts crapping out toy after toy after toy.

And then Santa collects them to distribute them to every girl and boy.